Check in About Checking Out

Craggy Pinnacle

I completely blocked Facebook on my work computer and have decided to stop looking at any screens two hours before bedtime every night in an effort to sleep better. This cuts out a significant part of my day that social media was available to me.

So far it hasn’t done that much for me other than allow me to get stuff done around my house. I just feel the need to throw all this out there at once while I have the space to do it.

Even before this in general I’ve been pretty absent from posting any updates about much anything personal. I’ve been going through some serious mental and emotional issues that have plagued me for as long as I can remember on a minimal level…. until they took over in the last couple years.

It’s easy to try to attribute it to coping with my Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis two and a half years ago, but this is only a piece and I feel like I handled the physical part of that with a good amount of self-determination (and support from my partner of course). Now I feel I finally need to confront depression with this same determination – it’s been around longer and has been just as damaging.

I’ve avoided really being up front with the fact that I’ve had depression in my life for a long time, I always felt like it would eventually go away and I’d climb back up to being my highest self once again. I’m fairly guilty of painting a positive-only picture of my life publicly. Maybe not being vulnerable about this and attempting to fight it head on has allowed me to ruin parts of my life I have no desire to ruin.

Starting to see that the ways I learned to cope with emotional stress has pushed me further into an emotional deficit that some days feel like I will never dig myself out of. My numbness is an armor developed to prevent my guts from spilling out on the floor.

I recently spent a weekend taking a journey into my core parts and briefly viewing a piece of my ‘shadow self’ which developed through my experiences in early childhood through early college and has been reinforced by several painful trials: with my parents, with my closest friends, with my self.

The weekend ‘adventure’ I’m referring to was through a community called The ManKind Project, which I heard about from a supportive friend. There’s so many things I hadn’t thought of which have been brought to the forefront of my mental landscape through the process. It has set me on a path of personal work which is extremely difficult, but without it I would surely end up only a shadow of who I truly want to (and can) be. With it I can finally start to confront my shadow and put it into my awareness and see how it might skew my perceptions and divert my actions.

This brings me to a huge piece of two things MKP talks about: accountability and integrity. There are many ways that I have failed to hold myself accountable for things I’ve said I would do for friends, personal clients, and my family. I think usually I would say “sorry”, but that word doesn’t really mean much the more you use it, does it?

Instead I’ll just say “Thank You” to those people (some may know who they are, some may not)… thank you for not calling me out, thank you for moving on (if you did), thank you for letting me know when it’s important that XYZ get done, or for reminding me. Thanks for supporting me though I didn’t return the favor (even though I wanted to), thanks for reaching out even if I didn’t reach back.

It’s a frustrating to attempt to navigate between: “take care of yourself” and “don’t be selfish”. Where this line is drawn is not a part of our culture. I foresee less and less social media interaction as I’m attempting to deal with these parts of myself and understand that grey area in between the two extremes.

I need Facebook to communicate with certain people and groups (such as my troupe), so it’s unlikely I’ll disable my account anytime in the near future. I’m finding a lot of support in the MKP Integration groups I’m attending weekly and find myself really appreciating the men who are keeping in touch with me as I do some of this mental work that has been holding me back from being my authentic, inspired, loving Self.

Of course I will read any comments on this post, but if you actually got this far and want to communicate with me, please go ahead and text me directly. If you don’t have my North Carolina number, ask for it. I have a number that’s public on Facebook with a Twin Cities area code: it’s a Google number that only gets checked on a random basis so if you send something there I’ll get it, but not timely.

This post was originally posted on Facebook here.

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