Today I cycle my life to it’s thirty third year. An exercise in curiosity brings me to wonder if there are any extra meanings to the number thirty three. Here’s a couple cherry picked from Wikipedia just for fun:
- The number of deities in the Vedic Religion is 33.
- The divine name Elohim appears 33 times in the story of creation in the opening chapters of Genesis.
- According to Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33.
- 33 is not only a numerical representation of “the Star of David,” but also the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33.
- A normal human spine has 33 vertebrae when the bones that form the coccyx are counted individually
- 33 is, according to the Newton scale, the temperature at which water boils.
The last one, the temperature at which water boils according to Newton’s scale. Maybe that we can use that one. Naturally I am making an effort to find meaning where none is explicit. There are moments where we all search for a bit of extra meaning.
Right off the bat I need to mention that a month and a half ago I started taking insulin for the first time since September of 2013. In some ways this feels like a failure, for I was able to forego use of (injected) insulin for two and a half years. A brief explanation of what this means for me physically: I was diagnosed June 28th, 2013 as a Type One diabetic and went through what every diabetic deals with when they are first diagnosed - the honeymoon phase.
According to Diabetes.co.uk: “The Honeymoon Phase (or Honeymoon Period) amongst people with type 1 diabetes refers to the period of time shortly following diabetes diagnosis when the pancreas is still able to produce a significant enough amount of insulin to reduce insulin needs and aid blood glucose control.”
In pairing with my dietary changes when I was first diagnosed these remaining pancreatic cells were able to produce enough insulin for my body. As my intake of carbohydrates, glucose, and all other types of sugar reached a low level my body’s need to transform them into usable energy was reduced. This left me capable of producing what I needed daily.
Typically the honeymoon phase lasts a few weeks for most to a few months possibly. Very few get off insulin completely. After six months had passed, then one year, then two years I had remained open to the possibility of keeping this stasis in perpetuity. Maybe I could have. It’s hard to know exactly what happened in my body to finish off my last beta cells that were generating my necessary daily insulin. Perhaps it was stress, or depression, or any number of emotional or mental pushes that pushed my body over the edge. I’ll never really know for sure why it happened now: not ten months in the past or twenty in the future.
Most don’t achieve what I did and remain insulin-free for over two year and a half years. That, I suppose, is the sliver of gold I can keep a hold of as I move into this new phase. It’s a bit I’ve shared with many for a while and held as a testament of my will. In some ways that’s what has made this new reality difficult to share.
I have an awareness that sharing my story may have put it out there that there’s people that have ‘cured’ Type One diabetes using diet. I didn’t, I never was clear on what I was doing and wasn’t certain it would ever last forever. I was hopeful and hope that I didn’t perpetuate a confusion that people sometimes have about diabetes in general: that type one and type two are similar diseases. They are not. I am loathe to think I contributed to this misinformation. My story is one of expanding knowledge in regards to how to keep your body in check.
The reality of it all has been heavy. A little more prepared than the first time this happened to me I didn’t have to wade through the unknown to find my blood sugars high. Equipped with more knowledge about diet and what my balance is I’ve had an easier time getting acclimated. What hits me hardest is the associated costs with this chronic disease.
Amazing technology is available to manage this disease, the inescapable fact is that insurance doesn’t provide fully for this. If I want to get an insulin pump after my deductible it’s only halfway covered (for an item that can be in the thousands), and if I want to continuously monitor myself (which I want more than anything to be able to dial in the bigger picture of what foods will do what) it’s also only fifty-percent covered.
Many other countries don’t pay what I will need to for monthly supplies nor the initial investment in the devices. I have control of my blood sugar for now with what I’m eating - which is not really changing. I’m even starting to get an intuitive basis for where I’m going to be based on what my day is looking like. If I could just find a way to poke myself with needles less. Maybe I’ll be able to come up with a way to pay for all of it. In the meantime I’m still trying to understand those “weird feelings” that come with blood sugar fluctuations.
Earlier in the year I started opening up publicly about the fact that I’ve been dealing with depression for some time. It’s difficult. It’s vulnerable. It’s a place that many people exist in and I’m there too. I’ve been doing a lot to try to tackle it. A lot. I’m not ready for anti-depressants yet though there have been moments where I’m sure they would have helped. I have some anxiety surrounding the use of medication for a prolonged period of time.
As of right now I’ve been doing regular acupuncture visits, weekly men’s groups, began seeing a counselor recently, received energy healing work through an MKP brother, and have even begun taking regular probiotics after doing some research on psychobiotics.
Have these things helped? They all seem to build on each other and I’ve experienced moments ‘out of the gray’ as it were. My work is only starting on this chronic illness and there’s much more to figure out.
Talking about this with my closest allies has been a struggle. In some ways writing long form posts over the last few years has been cathartic, it’s been a way to keep myself in check too. In writing its much easier to stay positive and when I type it all out it seems to realign my spinning mind.
People have urged me to share more, that many would benefit from moving through these struggles in the light of awareness and consciousness surrounding them. Chronic diseases I’ve dealt with in my life (Asthma, Depression, Type One Diabetes) can be a source of goodness as well. There’s a way forward without letting these dark moments destroy me emotionally.
I recognize that I shrink back away from people and the cycle of doing is a perpetuation of depression - connection can diffuse the anguish. Without MKP and the NWTA these moments of darkness might have well deepened further, and without this type of support I might not even be ready to share many of these things with everyone in my life so vulnerably.
There’s uncertainty always for me in celebrating a solar return. Birthdays are meant to be a celebration… could I have done more? Should I be doing more? Am I focused in on the wrong things? All in my head most of these challenges lie, and the greatest vulnerability lies with confronting them with assistance of my allies. To let the people that surround me in to my world and not hold these skeletons so tightly.
There’s nothing more vulnerable that letting everyone in the world be capable into my self-consciousness about my physical, emotional, mental well-being. This conduit is a way to release those things and allow what healing may come from awareness. I buy into our new world of open sharing, and to me that looks like sharing deeply, whole-heartedly and may someone in the future benefit from this story.
There’s some fear that being so open will hurt me in some way, that laying my soul bare for anyone that stumbles across it may prevent me from landing a new job in the future when future employers do their research on me. My hope is that honesty and integrity with my words will allow my true positive character to shine through, thereby creating a net positive effect on my life even if it leads to some undesirable moments, whether this is professionally or personally.
I attempt to remain open-minded even while the struggles between logic and magick pull at my brain and my heart. Trying to find the moments of joy and where they stem from.
This is my story to share and I will do my best to continue sharing with the same open heart.